I find myself both looking forward to and dreading Mother’s Day. Second only to Christmas, Mother’s Day triggers more  sorrow and joy and every emotion in-between for almost every woman of child-bearing age.  A woman’s identity and purpose should not be tied exclusively to whether or not she is able to, or wants to, bear children.

The hospitality and Hallmark card industry rake in the cash on this Sunday to those who fall prey to the ridiculous commercialism that my husband despises. He’s a great cook and chooses to honor me on other days when dining establishments are less chaotic and the same beautiful floral arrangements less pricey. Yes, he makes dinner for me on a regular basis for which I am grateful.

Fathers and children need to honor and appreciate the work of motherhood every day, not just one Sunday a year.

I am also grateful that my husband is teaching our two children to do just that. But I still can’t help but feel sorrow for those women not as fortunate as me.

To those single moms, who are working two jobs or more, who may be going through ugly divorces or escaping abusive relationships, I see you. I can’t imagine how you must feel when you observe your married counterparts doted on by their husbands. You work even harder, yet I’m guessing that you will feel ignored today, unless a single moms ministry or charity reaches out.

To those who have lost mothers through death or estrangement, I see you. Sadness still overcomes me when I walk by the Mother’s Day cards section at the grocery store. For 48 years, I took pleasure in searching for the perfect sentimental card to pair with some scented lotion, jewelry or flowers. I could never go wrong with flowers. Mom always loved any kind of fresh flowers, from roses, lilies, tulips, daffodils, irises, sunflowers, daisies, chrysanthemums – the more colorful and varied, the better.  So do I.

Now I have to lay them on her grave.

To those women with empty arms, who are waiting for the right husband, who are waiting for those two pink lines to appear, or waiting for a successful IVF, I see you. In my early 30’s, newly divorced and grieving over shattered dreams and what-could-have-beens, I had to come to the point of accepting that children would not come to me in that season. Being surrounded by young families in the church I attended church rubbed salt in my wound. As cameras flashed on those Mother’s Days, my heart broke watching moms and children glow with radiant smiles.

To those women who had to wait until later in life to bear a child, I see you. Miracles still happen. I didn’t give birth to my first child until age 37, and then my perspective shifted. Gratitude, exhaustion, and overwhelming love all rolled together in one consuming ball of fire burning in my heart. I was part of a new club. This included knowing glances from other new moms, the unwashed hair, the no make-up with dark circles under our eyes look, and best of all, the much-anticipated Mother’s Day card, right along with being pooped, peed and puked on.

To the women who never wanted children, or who put off starting a family to prioritize a career, and suddenly it was too late, or mothers and daughters who are estranged, I see you. To the moms who are blessed with adopted children, I applaud you. We need more of you.  To the moms who pour themselves every hour of every day into the relentless needs of autistic, physically and or mentally handicapped or chronically ill children, I see you. To the moms who have suffered multiple pregnancy losses, I see you. To the moms who have chosen abortion, I see you.

If it’s logistically and geographically possible, if the woman who gave you life, or the woman who stepped up to mentor you when your biological mother could not, still has air in her lungs and a beating heart, please wrap your arms around her and tell her you love her. Every mom, adoptive mom and mentor longs to know that her guidance, advice and her sleepless nights of praying made a difference.

If you have no living mother or no living child, understand that you are still seen and valued. This day should not be focused exclusively on mothers, but on the unseen, unappreciated and undervalued work ALL woman do to keep civilization running.

You might also want to google  Anne Lamott’s famous Mother’s Day piece published in Salon. It was provocative and called for another paradigm shift in the way culture views motherhood. She didn’t want her son to feel obligated to give her a mother’s day gift. She criticizes Mother’s Day as celebrating a huge lie about women. This would have horrified me in my  20s. The  longer I live and the longer I am a mom, the more sense her theory makes. Honoring mothers is certainly not wrong, but we need to be more sensitive and careful about how we do that. While some recognition is appreciated, we don’t need to be worshipped at the expense of excluding others.

I pray that ALL women feel honored, seen and valued today. I pray that mothers and fathers continue to bless their children and their children’s children.